Torn
by BrookeJean
Summary: Kaidan struggles with his feelings for his commander as death looms near on Virmire. Dedicated to the women and occasional men of the KAST and KAAS.


A/N: I got bored and this work spewed forth from my fingers. I had a hard time figuring out how to write it so it's in a weird format. So weird that FF dot net wouldn't load it with the right spacing and such. So I tried to use "..." to give it more pauses, etc. Anyway, now it's out there for all to see. And of course dedications must be given to the Kaidan Alenko Support Thread and the Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Society. The women and occasional men there are awesome and entertaining. My days at work would be unbearable without them.

Also, I don't own anything except my oddities.

-----

In the line of duty things seldom go according to plan.

Take me for example. I'm a career man

But here I am - torn.

I'm not supposed to feel this way.

When my eyes steal an involuntary glance

Oh. Those eyes. I swear I've died and gone to heaven.

Or when she walks past and the scent of her hair gets pushed my way

I can't help but bathe in its presence.

It's quite ridiculous. I'm a man's man. I don't swoon.

I don't. I don't! I don't!!

...

Oh fine, I do.

But can you really blame me?

Have you seen her smile?

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad but when we're in uniform she's the one who always leads.

It's only a few feet in front … I could stare all day.

I could just reach out and touch it. But I'd lose an arm.

Unfortunately, my staring is usually interrupted by the bad guys

Or good guys running from bad guys.

...

I really wanted to take her hiking.

Strictly as friends of course. I know the regs.

I'd tell her she needed to go in front in case something snuck up on us from behind.

Do you think she'd buy it?

She's pretty smart but maybe I could make her see the sense in it.

...

I can't help but laugh at myself.

Here I am, about to die

All I can think about is her face (and Err … her … behind).

I guess dying this way isn't so bad.

I just wish …

No! I did it by the book.

I didn't break the rules.

But maybe I should have told her just exactly how I feel.

How my heart beats faster whenever she is near.

...

No. I'm a career man. I couldn't have.

But maybe I should have.

It would have been nice to stroke her cheek just enough to make her blush

I would have done it softly, sweetly, gently.

It would have been nice to kiss her cheek, the hallow of her neck

Kiss a little lower, a little lower ...

Mm .. How nice it would have been.

...

I always figured if I told her how I felt, it would be in joking

'Hey remember that time when we were fighting Saren?

Well, I had the biggest crush on you.'

Too bad it's too late. Now I know it's so much more.

I'm in love. I'm in love dang it and I'm about to die.

...

But it's ok. My death will mean something.

I'll make it mean something for her.

For her eyes, her smile, her face. Her life.

...

I guess I just always thought there would be tomorrow to figure out these feelings.

If only I'd known how today would end.

I think I would have told her a long time ago just exactly how I feel.

...

Well, the countdown is on. The bomb will go off. We WILL stop the bad guys.

I could just tell her now, over the comm. channel but then everyone would hear

What if everyone heard?

Hmm … it's my name that would be tarnished. Not hers.

I should tell her how I feel.

…

…

…

I'm dying and I still can't tell her how I feel. How awesome is that?

I guess I was just hoping if I ever told her, she'd be able to …

To What?

To smile? To laugh? To yell? To kick me out? To banish me from her presence forever?

...

No, I guess I was hoping she would say she felt the same.

Would telling her now do any good?

Sometimes I see her look at me and I have to wonder.

Maybe she does. Maybe she really does.

I couldn't tell her now. Not before I go and blow myself up.

This will be better.

I just wish I would have told her yesterday when I could still look in her …

...

Her eyes.

I can see them now.

Funny. I thought heaven would be different.

It's like I'm reliving my last moments only this time she's here.

She's saving me.

Maybe I should tell her now. Tell her exactly how I feel.

Of course, since this is heaven, I'll have all the time in the world.

...

"Kaidan, can you walk?"

Owwwwe

Huh?

You're not supposed to be able to feel pain when you are dead, are you?

Maybe I'll get a chance to tell her how I feel after all.

"You can tell her how you feel as soon as we get you out of here."

I look into those beautiful eyes realizing what I said out loud.

I can't help but smile and blurt out the words, "Yes, Ma'am"

...

She lifts me up over her shoulder and I'm staring at my favorite part.

I could reach out and grab it. But then I'd lose an arm.

I could blame it on the injury. Technically, I'm intoxicated by her smell.

She just has no idea what she does to me.

If she did she'd reassign me under someone else's command

...

Maybe I shouldn't tell her after all.

I am a career man. I know better.

But I've seen her look at me and I have to wonder.

Maybe she does. Maybe she really does.

...

I won't wait until tomorrow because now I know - tomorrow may never come.


End file.
